© Kathy Robertson
Toward True and Enduring Love
As you and your spouse-to-be plan for your special day, both of you, no doubt, are experiencing a myriad of emotions—elation about finding your special mate, anticipation of a glorious day and excitement about the new adventure of your partnership. Having some information about what to expect after you walk down the aisle can greatly facilitate your ability to have the loving relationship you desire.
Reality. Operate from a place of curiosity when it comes to your partner, and wonder about his or her internal experience. When you’ve been together for several years, you may believe that you know everything about each other—what your partner thinks, believes and feels about a given situation or experience. Be continuously open to learning about your partner. Try using Bonnie Sose’s book Talk to Me, 1777 Intimate Questions to get to know each other on a deeper level.
Communication. Some couples experience what they think are communication
problems after being together for a long time. Oftentimes, this is not
really the problem. When couples are yelling at each other, sitting and
pouting or storming out the door in anger, they are communicating plenty.
The real problem is reactivity. When people are coming from a reactive
place, they are operating from the “fight or flight” part of their brain. A
reactive response merely triggers counter-reactivity from the partner,
which results in both people feeling so unsafe that they are unable to
resolve their issues. One of the best ways to stay connected and be able
to communicate effectively is to work on your own reactivity and to learn
ways to avoid triggering reactivity in your partner. If you can learn
to contain your own reaction to what your partner is saying or doing,
you will be able to consciously respond to them.
Humor. Have a sense of humor in your relationship, but be very careful that your humor is not at your partner’s expense. It’s great to be able to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously.
Criticism and Desire. One of the most powerful ways to avoid conflict and maintain a positive, loving connection with your partner is to learn how to handle situations where you and/or your partner feel critical of the other. Learn that criticism or complaint is always just a desire for something different. Whenever you wish to complain to or criticize your partner, send the information to them in the form of a desire. Instead of complaining that your partner never takes the trash out, say, in a loving way, how good you would feel if they did.
Sex. One complaint couples have most often about each other is that their partner wants too much or not enough sex. A healthy functional relationship includes a strong, mutually satisfying sex life. This is one area where couples usually need to spend some extra time and energy nurturing their connection. Both husband and wife need to understand what makes their partner feel truly loved and connected. Reading some good books on this subject, such as Hot Monogamy or Getting the Sex You Want can help you create the intimate relationship you need.
If Problems Arise. If you feel that things are not working out, seek help and do it early. The average couple waits six years to seek counseling after a problem arises and this is often too late. Half of all marriages that end in divorce do so in the first seven years and only one percent of couples seek help at all.
Keeping the Love Alive
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Take time to list the qualities you wish to have in your relationship. Compare and combine your lists and post them someplace where you can both see them regularly.
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Before you marry, talk about important marital topics, such as having children, dealing with money together, participating in religious activities, and interacting with your parents and siblings.
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Consider pre-marital education. Research indicates that couples who have pre-marital education lower their chances of divorce by 30 percent.
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Tell your partner on a regular basis what you appreciate about them.
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Have a regular date night, especially after you have children.
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Prepare a list for each other of things that your partner can do or that he or she already does that touch your heart. Exchange your lists and spontaneously give each other those things on a regular basis.
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